How Dog Poo Caught a Criminal
by Harrington A. Lackey
The “Scratch and Sniff” Animal Shelter located in a small town had been searching for an individual who would volunteer to take care of the dogs and cats at their facility. Specifically, they wanted someone who would volunteer to pick up after the dogs, they walked.
A man in his forties walked into the shelter to volunteer for the position. His name was Kurt Bass he had been a minor league pitcher for a local town. The animal center director warmly thanked him for volunteering and wondered if he could start that same day.
In the meantime, a violent criminal with over one hundred robberies, murders, and money laundering on his rap sheet was being chased by seven police officers. The man whose name was “Joe Manzini” drove an old Ford Dart driving speeds up to 95 mph.
This “public enemy #1” swerved and turned into many unassuming places, but the cops kept up with him. Finally, the man turned off a short road with many curves. But, Manzini decided to apply the brakes and jump out to head into a forest on his left.
Back at the shelter, Kurt was out on “poo patrol”. He was instructed to wear latex gloves to pick up the stuff and put it in the handy trash containers around the area.
A boy saw the local star collecting the piles and recognized him. He asked his mother if he could go out and meet him and she gave it to him. When he met his “favourite player” he told him what a fan he was of his pitching skills. He asked him why he quit baseball for picking up after dogs, to whom he replied, “I wanted to do something else with my arm.”
Then the boy asked him why he couldn’t just hurl the stuff over the fence that stood 12 feet high at the back of the area. Kurt said, “Well, they didn’t tell me not to.” The boy asked him if he could see him throw again. Kurt thought about showing him when he spied a mound of it close by. He told the boy, “Don’t tell anybody I did this.”
So, the ex-ball player took his position and hurled the smelly stuff. It went flying over the fence. The boy was awed by it; he had never seen dog poo fly.
When Joe fled from the car into the woods, he saw a clearing that overlooked a high fence. He thought he fooled the cops, so he was about to run down to the fence when a piece of doggy doo hit him completely covering his face. He yelled and cursed as the smelly substance smacked him hard.
The police had seen his car with nobody inside, except the left door had been opened. As the cops crowded around the car, they heard somebody cursing and yelling. They marched into the forest and saw Joe with excrement covering his face. The officers were stunned to see their number one public enemy yelling four-letter words that alluded to the mess on his face.
“What happened here?” the police captain asked the criminal. He told him that the stuff came out of nowhere hitting him in the face behind a 12-foot fence. An investigation was mounted into how poo came flying over a fence. Of course, the one who threw the poo, was the local minor league baseball pitcher, Kurt Bass. Now he was a local hero.
After a week’s time, reporters from major national newspapers wrote about this event. Some of the titles included: “The Best Throw Outside Minor League History”, “Poo Throw Out of the Ballpark”, “It Stinks to be Public Enemy #1”. In an interview with Kurt on “Good Morning Show,” he was asked how he felt about his heroics. He replied, “It’s all in the wrist. Also, in his case, it’s not how you throw but what you throw that counts.”